I left you first

I left you first when I was born.  Let the record show, that was well before you had the chance to leave me.  Stranger’s living rooms, motel rooms, apartments, day cares and basements were there for me when you could not.

If I have ever known you, I did then, when I was floating weightless in your womb.  You nourished me best when I lived under your beating heart, learning your moods even then.

Since the day I was cut out of you, I have been struggling to sever the ties between us.

“Who is at the door?” you ask, your head tilting sideways as if you have no idea, as if you have never even thought a knock existed.

In comes Darkness, flowing out as it did before, a force of pain, fierce burning violence to sweep your heart away.

You love it.  You love the tornadoes, the tears, the sympathies.  You ache for the next fix. You ache for eyeballs, murmured platitudes and self righteous tears.

You cried a torrential rain, grasping at ghosts and empty water bottles, as we looked on, our small arms never big enough to hold you together.

Our helpless bodies, once parts of your own body, ripped and destroyed in the storm while you cried over dreams, wishing yourself into new worlds on the back of our bruised legs.

Your first dream was to save yourself, later you dreamed you saved us too.  You were lost in a forest of dreams, but you couldn’t save us there.   In the present we bled and suffered as your eyes glazed over.

You sat immobile, your arms floating useless around our bodies like snow flakes, and melting twice as fast, dripping down, cold on our faces.

Cry for us, cry for who we are and who we cannot be.

You made us worse than yourself, stronger, lighter and more dangerous.

I’m bound to you by bloody circumstance, by stench and sorrow, loss and madness.

I am bound to you not by flesh, but pain alone.

In every corner you wait for me, your eyes shining with tears.

I’m still leaving you and I’ll never stop.

I am your creation, but not your creature

and the leash is long.


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